May 34rd, 2009- The Choice (Continued)

so a few days back
a regular customer comes into my work,
and we get on the discussion of college
and what I'm going to do now that i've graduated.

I tell him my plan.
my strategy of getting a real degree in graphic design
then after I have something 'professional' under my belt
going off to my dream art school
to study what I really love: photography.

he stood there for a moment, just staring at me sort of puzzled,
then said to me,
"but, why don't you do what you really want to do in the first place??"

this caught me a little off-guard.
everyone else who i have told my safe plan to life to has seemed to approve
and he was the first person to ever challange my safe philosophy.
and it really made me challange my thinking.
am I just doing this because this is what everyone else thinks i should do?
or am i doing this because I want to or feel led to?
or because I'm scared to take that leap?

safe, careful, conservative vs. the dreamer?
or is it not just a dream, but really what i'm destined to do?
is doing my backup career training just a waste of time?
is it just postponing me from reaching my potential?
is it really me building myself a road block?
what if I lose my dream over the course of getting my graphics degree?
what if that starves my vision of me doing something else?

and I thought I would be less confused and less stressed after finishing high school...

May 2nd, 2009- The Choice

Life has thrown at me this question
that I really have no idea how to reply to...

is there a difference between true passion and true purpose?
and if there is, which is heavier than the other?
which is more important to live your daily life pursuing?

is purpose something your fate is tied to?
carefully interwoven with destiny into the tapestry of life?
or is it something you purely choose and mold yourself?
do you mold it after your life passions?
and through these passions, you find your purpose?



am i making any sense?
it makes a degree of sense in my head,
but i'm not sure if i really tranferred it into written form very well.
i've never really been one of those people
that can easily translate their thought language
effortlessly into words.
and usually when i do it doesn't feel like i've really translated
my thoughts and feelings fully in the way i had wanted to.



but anyways, I'm getting off track...
purpose/passion!

i just don't know.

my passion in life i clearly photography.
it gives me a natural high that no other hobby has ever given me...
it's not just a hobby to me; it's LIFE.
It's beauty. It's love. It's joy. It's relaxation.
It's my oxygen.
How can I spend my life doing something else?
I have lots of other interests, yes, but nothing else is this strong.
I have such a desire to pursue it
and just looking at other people's work stirs up my imagination instantly.
seeing photos never ends to just kindle my desire.
all of it just stirs up my mind.
i can't describe the feeling I get any other way.
it's like, my heart starts beating faster
i get more awake.
i just become overwhelmed by the beauty life brings
the stories pictures silently tell.

how can I pursue something else?
i know many people wouldn't approve.
it's not like it's considered a 'traditional' career, a 'steady' career.
it's not me becoming Megan Kondrath, M.D., like my mom would love.
or me going after a profession that would put me in the 'upper class' of society,
like my dad dedicated his life to...
but is doing those things really worth it, if you have no passion for those things?



My father was an extremely successful man.
I can't complain, we never lacked anything, ever.
I never once saw my parents need a loan,
If I wanted something, I just had to ask
and almost always a yes was my reply.
My mother and I constantly got to travel.
Maybe not to exotic countries or anything, but we got around.
We'd just pack up and go to the beach,
field trips to neighboring cities were almost weekly.



But does money really buy happiness?
no.
from what I grew up seeing, it bought stress, which brings strife.
I don't want that.
Sure, money's lovely,
and a Ph.D. in some prestigous career is a heck of an accomplishment,
but what if I don't really want all that?
what if I like the simple things of life?
what if what will make me happiest is
sitting on a beach sipping limeade
living in a bungalo with creaky screen doors
and having a laid back life recording peoples' best memories...
from weddings, to high school sports, to people vacationing on the beach.
I want that.

Purpose, or passion?

September 26th, 2008

it's amazing how fragile life is
and how easy it is to screw everything up with the flip of a coin.

i dont think i can erase away the damage ive caused this time
some things dont have a backspace button.

September 16th, 2008

Check out my new set on flickr, "Life on the Rustic Side". It's a work in progress, but comments are always appreciated. :)
My Flickr

<33
madali

August 3rd, 2008

The summer is flying by too fast...

how can it be August already?

One more summer gone

with me having accomplished only about 1/4 of all that I wanted to do

and all that I had planned.

This time at least only about 1/5 of the problem was procrastination

the rest was lack of time

lack of funds do to hugely unplanned circumstances

and a lack of ambition which laziness ended up creating.

But at least this summer the main culprit was lack of time

to accomplish the vast number of ideas I had created,

which is a better reason than the others listed,

so I don't look back with too much regret as far as what I didn't get to do at least.

But again, it's still another summer gone.

Gone by way too fast

and it's not even over yet, but I still feel its demise creeping up too quickly.

Another school year ended

another year gone by too quickly

another year which I haven't done goals

which I have wanted to start and finish for years.

Another summer gone

but it definitely was not all in vain.

Although it went by too fast, there are certain things I wouldn't want to go back for

To change mistakes made, yes, and no at the same time.

Going back and changing them would have made my summer much easier

But at the same time I don't want to.

There were things I learned that I needed to learn

Ways of thinking that needed to be change

Carelessness that I needed to become aware of and alter

Lessons were learned

Mistakes always cause damage,

but our goal should be to make them be fruitful in a good way as well

to use them in the future

to prevent us from doing the same actions again

Now knowing fully what they will reap on us

physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

No decision is without consequences

whether for good or bad

It is these decisions that define us for who we are

and our response to the consequences show what we're really made of.

And since the option of going back is not obtainable

we must press on and use our pasts to make our future brighter

by learning from our mistakes

and not letting them dictate who we will become.

July 31st, 2008

This, my dear, is pessimism.
Pessimism in it's highest form... which anyone with any degree of activity going on upstairs would know isn't very high at all.
Pessimism at it's finest, which you can still hardly qualify as "fine".
It's really a word game, see?
Pessimism at it's highest is really you at your lowest,
and pessimism at it's finest is really you at your worst.

It's just a way to take the "you" out of the sentance, trying to hide the fact that you are in a low frame of mind. Taking the "you" out makes it very much more acceptable to society, keeps out awkward silences and the uncomfortable feelings such ideas place on the ones you're sharing your troubles with.

Refering to it like an object, as the word "pessimism" does, redirects the attention off of you by more or less diffusing the whole effect of whatever you are about to share to the other person. It neutralizes the whole emotion, going from "I am" to "It is". Going from "this is what I'm feeling" to something more acceptable in some way I do not entirely understand. It's really making the subject entirely more objective than subjective.

And I really have no idea why I went off on any of that.
Or even if any of that made any sense.
I suppose it's just an off day.

June 30th, 2008

You see right... a new post! Miracles never cease to happen. ;)

Here's an art series I did from a while ago but never uploaded....

March 16th

Only one more photo today. I unfortunately had to focus on my studies today, reading Catch-22 for my English class to be specific. I truly should have finished it over break (or so were my plans anyways), but it remains only half way through. I only read about a quarter more of it. This book tends to be a hard book to speed read unfortunately...

March 15th

I can't believe spring break is almost over and this is the first picture I've posted all break, first. I'm seriously so disappointed with myself for not taking the chance I had to work on a new portfolio. I took many series of pictures, but just never got around to fully edit any of them, except the one solo photo that is in this post. I swear, Facebook really sucks out your life, and I fully blame it for taking away my break. Although I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I just shouldn't have created one for myself over break, that's all. Ah well, too late to change it now. I'll just have to work on the photos once school starts up again... and be super productive with editing them tomorrow between church services. We'll see how much I get done. =)

And for now, I must say goodnight, since I've basically been sleep deprived this entire break from allowing myself to stay up til about 2-3 AM every night. Monday is definitely going to be a rude awakening... both literally and figuratively...

February 21st

A Bitter Thing

Failure
Is such a bitter thing
It gnaws at the soul
tears flesh from flesh
The bite of wind with icy teeth
cutting deep into an unarmed cheek
Burns like coals
flaming beneath naked feet
Crying out blindly
in their raw defeat
Flail, fight, do what they may
But it inevitably awakens
like the blooming of day

February 20th

Spring

Dark like the grave
Cold as a corpse
It is born out of this
Most unexpectedly
Out of death comes life
Spites the reaper with a laugh
Boldly comes forth
Like a patriot crying "Liberty!"

February 19th

Hope

Whispers words to the downfallen ear
Sings gentle melodies to sooth all fear
Bears witness to the future unclear
Brings a rebirthing to things held dear.

February 16th

So, I don't really have time to write anything right now, because I really need to get to bed. Just wanted to post a photo really. G'night everyone. =)

February 15th

My Valentine... <3

So, I have found a new love this Valentine's Day.... charcoal. I am seriously amazed I never met it until just a couple weeks ago, I had no idea what I was missing out on for so many years. I love it, seriously. It might be in fact my new favorite art medium. Although I'm not sure anything could replace the passion I have for acrylics, charcoal is currently pretty much tying with it, which really stuns me. There's something about charcoal that cannot be replicated with acrylic work... it's just the whole experience of using it, of creating something with your own hands, it's really a spectacular feeling that I just can't describe. Using paint brushes is using your hands too, yes, but I don't know... it's something about actually feeling the charcoal piece in your hand that makes all the difference. It makes you feel more in touch with your artwork, like it's truly a part of your being. I love that feeling. =)

February 9th

So, it's February 9th, 16 minutes past midnight, and I find myself basically falling asleep as I attempt to type this without any major grammatical errors, although I have already encountered about 30, all of which I've had to backspace during the writing of this single sentance. I think I'll call it a day.

February 8th

The river is seriously one of my favorite places to go, ever. It's so beautiful down there, so peaceful. Living right there, right on the river would be such a wonderful existence. It would allow for so much inspiration. I love it, period.

February 7th

February 2nd

So, just a moment ago, as I was writing that thoroughly uninteresting title above (since frankly I'm too lazy to think of something snazzy, or creative, or even both at this late hour) I realized that I didn't know how to spell the simple, common word of "February". I pondered over this for a minute, but ended up actually having to look to the pretty little calander on the wall by the fridge to figure out how to spell it correctly... I think I better call it a day before I find myself becoming more illiterate from lack of sleep. ;)

But before I do, I'm just thinking of the word February for another second. February. No one pronounces it like that. As far as I can recall, everyone I know speaks it like "FebUary" and forgets about the lonely little letter 'r' that falls in the middle of that word. Webster should really change the spelling of it. It would make it simpler to type, easier to remember the spelling, and people insist upon leaving that sound out when speaking it anyways. Just a thought.

So I found this in one of my notebooks earlier... I have no idea when it was from, but I'm guessing probably a year or so ago, since my poetry writing style has changed since I wrote this one. But I guess I'll post it anyways, since it relates to the daily picture to a degree (and no, that picture was not from today, and I highly doubt you'll find any dandelions outside any longer. That was from before I got my new camera, but I liked the depth of field and didn't have the time to edit a recent, better photo today, so this will have to do I suppose =) ).

To Be

Oh to be,

To be like a sheath of grass

Laughing and dancing with the flow of the breeze

So blissful, so free, so oblivious

Of the storms of life awaiting it
Awaiting to strike on the clear azul horizon.
To be, so free, so free to simply be.
Yet this life does not fare them well for long
For the frost is bound to come.

January 29th

I should have been born with green eyes.
That's really all I have to say.

Green is such a pretty color. It reminds me of of spring, of freshly cut grass, of life. I really don't know how my eyes became brown. They have somewhat of a greenish color sometime, but I'd like them to be greener, just more full of energy. I suppose I'm just going to be satisfied with seeing them like that in pictures...

for the time being.