May 34rd, 2009- The Choice (Continued)

so a few days back
a regular customer comes into my work,
and we get on the discussion of college
and what I'm going to do now that i've graduated.

I tell him my plan.
my strategy of getting a real degree in graphic design
then after I have something 'professional' under my belt
going off to my dream art school
to study what I really love: photography.

he stood there for a moment, just staring at me sort of puzzled,
then said to me,
"but, why don't you do what you really want to do in the first place??"

this caught me a little off-guard.
everyone else who i have told my safe plan to life to has seemed to approve
and he was the first person to ever challange my safe philosophy.
and it really made me challange my thinking.
am I just doing this because this is what everyone else thinks i should do?
or am i doing this because I want to or feel led to?
or because I'm scared to take that leap?

safe, careful, conservative vs. the dreamer?
or is it not just a dream, but really what i'm destined to do?
is doing my backup career training just a waste of time?
is it just postponing me from reaching my potential?
is it really me building myself a road block?
what if I lose my dream over the course of getting my graphics degree?
what if that starves my vision of me doing something else?

and I thought I would be less confused and less stressed after finishing high school...

May 2nd, 2009- The Choice

Life has thrown at me this question
that I really have no idea how to reply to...

is there a difference between true passion and true purpose?
and if there is, which is heavier than the other?
which is more important to live your daily life pursuing?

is purpose something your fate is tied to?
carefully interwoven with destiny into the tapestry of life?
or is it something you purely choose and mold yourself?
do you mold it after your life passions?
and through these passions, you find your purpose?



am i making any sense?
it makes a degree of sense in my head,
but i'm not sure if i really tranferred it into written form very well.
i've never really been one of those people
that can easily translate their thought language
effortlessly into words.
and usually when i do it doesn't feel like i've really translated
my thoughts and feelings fully in the way i had wanted to.



but anyways, I'm getting off track...
purpose/passion!

i just don't know.

my passion in life i clearly photography.
it gives me a natural high that no other hobby has ever given me...
it's not just a hobby to me; it's LIFE.
It's beauty. It's love. It's joy. It's relaxation.
It's my oxygen.
How can I spend my life doing something else?
I have lots of other interests, yes, but nothing else is this strong.
I have such a desire to pursue it
and just looking at other people's work stirs up my imagination instantly.
seeing photos never ends to just kindle my desire.
all of it just stirs up my mind.
i can't describe the feeling I get any other way.
it's like, my heart starts beating faster
i get more awake.
i just become overwhelmed by the beauty life brings
the stories pictures silently tell.

how can I pursue something else?
i know many people wouldn't approve.
it's not like it's considered a 'traditional' career, a 'steady' career.
it's not me becoming Megan Kondrath, M.D., like my mom would love.
or me going after a profession that would put me in the 'upper class' of society,
like my dad dedicated his life to...
but is doing those things really worth it, if you have no passion for those things?



My father was an extremely successful man.
I can't complain, we never lacked anything, ever.
I never once saw my parents need a loan,
If I wanted something, I just had to ask
and almost always a yes was my reply.
My mother and I constantly got to travel.
Maybe not to exotic countries or anything, but we got around.
We'd just pack up and go to the beach,
field trips to neighboring cities were almost weekly.



But does money really buy happiness?
no.
from what I grew up seeing, it bought stress, which brings strife.
I don't want that.
Sure, money's lovely,
and a Ph.D. in some prestigous career is a heck of an accomplishment,
but what if I don't really want all that?
what if I like the simple things of life?
what if what will make me happiest is
sitting on a beach sipping limeade
living in a bungalo with creaky screen doors
and having a laid back life recording peoples' best memories...
from weddings, to high school sports, to people vacationing on the beach.
I want that.

Purpose, or passion?

September 26th, 2008

it's amazing how fragile life is
and how easy it is to screw everything up with the flip of a coin.

i dont think i can erase away the damage ive caused this time
some things dont have a backspace button.

September 16th, 2008

Check out my new set on flickr, "Life on the Rustic Side". It's a work in progress, but comments are always appreciated. :)
My Flickr

<33
madali

August 3rd, 2008

The summer is flying by too fast...

how can it be August already?

One more summer gone

with me having accomplished only about 1/4 of all that I wanted to do

and all that I had planned.

This time at least only about 1/5 of the problem was procrastination

the rest was lack of time

lack of funds do to hugely unplanned circumstances

and a lack of ambition which laziness ended up creating.

But at least this summer the main culprit was lack of time

to accomplish the vast number of ideas I had created,

which is a better reason than the others listed,

so I don't look back with too much regret as far as what I didn't get to do at least.

But again, it's still another summer gone.

Gone by way too fast

and it's not even over yet, but I still feel its demise creeping up too quickly.

Another school year ended

another year gone by too quickly

another year which I haven't done goals

which I have wanted to start and finish for years.

Another summer gone

but it definitely was not all in vain.

Although it went by too fast, there are certain things I wouldn't want to go back for

To change mistakes made, yes, and no at the same time.

Going back and changing them would have made my summer much easier

But at the same time I don't want to.

There were things I learned that I needed to learn

Ways of thinking that needed to be change

Carelessness that I needed to become aware of and alter

Lessons were learned

Mistakes always cause damage,

but our goal should be to make them be fruitful in a good way as well

to use them in the future

to prevent us from doing the same actions again

Now knowing fully what they will reap on us

physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

No decision is without consequences

whether for good or bad

It is these decisions that define us for who we are

and our response to the consequences show what we're really made of.

And since the option of going back is not obtainable

we must press on and use our pasts to make our future brighter

by learning from our mistakes

and not letting them dictate who we will become.

July 31st, 2008

This, my dear, is pessimism.
Pessimism in it's highest form... which anyone with any degree of activity going on upstairs would know isn't very high at all.
Pessimism at it's finest, which you can still hardly qualify as "fine".
It's really a word game, see?
Pessimism at it's highest is really you at your lowest,
and pessimism at it's finest is really you at your worst.

It's just a way to take the "you" out of the sentance, trying to hide the fact that you are in a low frame of mind. Taking the "you" out makes it very much more acceptable to society, keeps out awkward silences and the uncomfortable feelings such ideas place on the ones you're sharing your troubles with.

Refering to it like an object, as the word "pessimism" does, redirects the attention off of you by more or less diffusing the whole effect of whatever you are about to share to the other person. It neutralizes the whole emotion, going from "I am" to "It is". Going from "this is what I'm feeling" to something more acceptable in some way I do not entirely understand. It's really making the subject entirely more objective than subjective.

And I really have no idea why I went off on any of that.
Or even if any of that made any sense.
I suppose it's just an off day.

June 30th, 2008

You see right... a new post! Miracles never cease to happen. ;)

Here's an art series I did from a while ago but never uploaded....